Fandemonium
by AshleySciFigirl
Summary: Script fic. An affectionate parody of myself, and fangirls in general ; 9th Doctor, but when I film it, it'll be 12.
1. Chapter 1

"Fandemonium"

SCENE 1. EXTERIOR. STREET.

[ASHLEY walks along]

ASHLEY: Planet Earth. This is where I was born. For the first 26 year---oh, I mean, 19 years of my life, nothing happened. Then I watched a show called "Doctor Who" about a man who could change his face---thank goodness, he was old for a long time! He took me away in his time machine…well, I wished he would, anyway! I'd stay with him forever, if only he were real. Then I went to England to sneak onto the set. And that's how it all started….

[ASHLEY walks along the street and comes across a police box and steps on a key]

ASHLEY: [picks up key, and laughs] [sarcastically, not pretending] Oh, gee, I wonder if this is the key to the real TARDIS! Haha! [opens door of police box and goes in]

[shot of her coming in, head down, giggling. Dark, then suddenly, the lights come up. She turns around, slowly, wonder growing on her face. Happy, wide face. Pumps arm "Yes!" and then jumps up and down in place. Grins and runs down hall.]

[turns and motions for the camera to follow her. It does. Follows Ashley through the halls, including a room where a girl is sitting with a baby, into the console room. She is very excited and skips and laughs. Runs into the bedroom, into the bathroom with a separate toilet room]

ASHLEY: Oh, it's so British!

[goes into closet, jumps up and down happily]

[montage of trying on different outfits.]

[cut to shot of the DOCTOR entering the TARDIS]

[ASHLEY puts on her coat again, then hears the dematerialization sound. Squeals and runs out to the door to the bedroom. Peers out---SHOCK, DELIGHT and HAPPINESS]

[DOCTOR fiddles with the consol controls.]

[ASHLEY goes and sits at the bar, head on hand.]

[DOCTOR fiddles with the console, then feels eyes looking at him. Turns around and finds ASHLEY. She smiles.]

DOCTOR: Oi, who are you? How did you get in here? You're not a fangirl, are you? I've already had to deal with one before…

ASHLEY: Does it matter how I got here? I am your biggest fan---I mean, your true love! This is cosmic fate! We are meant to travel the stars, the galaxy, the universe of time and space---together! You'll never be alone ever again!! [spins around and falls on the floor]

DOCTOR: [leans over the bar.] If you're my true love, I'd rather be alone!

[DW commercial logo and music]

[shot of ASHLEY on the ground, arms around the DOCTOR'S ankles. Is dragged]

ASHLEY: pleeeeeeeaaaaase, Doctor! Let me come with you, pleeeaase! I love you!!

DOCTOR: Oh, alright, if it'll keep you from crying all over the floor. I just got it waxed.

_ALTERNATE_

ASHLEY: pleeeeeeeaaaaase, Doctor! Let me come with you, pleeeaase! I love you!!

DOCTOR: no!

ASHLEY: You have to!

DOCTOR: No!

ASHLEY: actually you are legally obligated to let me come with you, because I wrote this script as a humorous take on fangirls---I mean, on author inserts and therefore get to do whatever I want, including going on adventures with you!

DOCTOR: Oh, fine. Stupid fan fiction. At least you're not writing yourself in as a hitherto unknown last of the time LADIES.

ASHLEY: eh, been there, done that. This is funnier.

[DW music]

SCENE 2

[cut to Ashley in a room]

ASHLEY: Doctor, how do you explain this? [moves aside to the girl with a baby.]

GIRL: _Excuze am oui_?

DOCTOR: Oh, not her again! She's nuttier than you---she thinks that's my kid!

ASHLEY: well, is it?

DOCTOR: No! I may be pretty marvelous but I ain't no Jack Harkness. Besides, it's a doll.

CREDITS

SCENE 3

GIRL WITH BABY: [crying] It's ok, baby. Daddy loves you. [sobs]


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I ownth not any trademarked things in this script. I only own Ashley, 'cause she's mostly me. **

* * *

**SCENE 1**

[inside the TARDIS. ASHLEY and THE DOCTOR]

ASHLEY: So, Doctor, where are we going??

DOCTOR: I have no idea. Isn't it outstanding!?

ASHLEY: Oh, Doctor, I love it when you're spontaneous!

DOCTOR: Oi, don't switch back into rabid-fangirl mode or I'm dropping you off on the nearest desert world, I swear!

[DW theme intro]

**SCENE 2**

[cut to them walking around.

ASHLEY: I feel weird, Doc. I feel all sideways or something.

.org/wiki/Dutch_angle

DOCTOR: it's not you, it's the camera. It's gone to all Dutch angles, like the link above this line.

ASHLEY: why is there a link above you?

DOCTOR: so people reading this script on can get a visual idea about what a Dutch angle is. But yes, we've gone all Dutch angles. I think this means this episode is going to be bizarre…

[more shots of walking around. DOCTOR picks up several items: a sword, leather boots, etc. Finally, DOCTOR stoops to pick up one more thing off the ground.]

ASHLEY: What is it?

DOCTOR: [uses SS] I thought so.

ASHLEY: But what is it?

DOCTOR: the most terrible thing known to man.

ASHLEY: WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT???

DOCTOR: Oi, I'm setting up the drama, thanks. But here it is: constant misspelling, first person narration; perfect, beautiful heroines who fall in love with the main character but don't exist in the actual story, no plot whatsoever…

ASHLEY: Oh no! Fanfiction!!!

DOCTOR: I know. It's the stuff of nightmares. But what could it mean?...

**SCENE 3**

[cut to them walking some more, looking around the air.]

ASHLEY: Something is terribly wrong here. But what could it be? It seems so familiar…

DOCTOR: Well, we have a few clues. One. We are in black and white.

ASHLEY: So retro!

DOCTOR: Two. All those items, including the fan fiction. [waives sonic screwdriver] That should reveal number 3---

ASHLEY: Jon Pertwee?

DOCTOR: Why did I agree to take you with me again? No, not the Third Me. Number 3 on my list of clues leading to the solution to this mystery! The screwdriver has hypergromionized the subspacial frequency of the interstellar vortex---

ASHLEY: *clueless*

DOCTOR: basically it made everything around us visible, including the masses of slobbering, ravenous, blood-thirsty beasts to our right.

ASHLEY: *gasp* No, no, no!

DOCTOR: Yes. Fangirls.

[shots of FANGIRLS]

DOCTOR: And it also revealed the other villains of this plot: the Cold and Stupid Ones, dark, brooding, beautiful, completely unrealistic and blights on classic horror and science fiction literature.

[shots of TWILIGHT VAMPIRES.]

ASHLEY: HOLY CRAP! Not the Sparklepires! I thought I had escaped them by randomly finding your show on BBC America! They're revolting—but so, so beautiful at the same time. [looks hypmotized]

DOCTOR: Don't get near them, or they'll suck us further into their reality with no plot, no motivation, and no personality. But now I know where we are and I can fight them.

ASHLEY: where are we?

DOCTOR: Black and white video effects,, fanfiction, fangirls, sparklepires. We're in…the Twilight Zone! [dramatic music]

[cut to shots of ASHLEY and DOCTOR running. Long, from-behind shots, then close-up.]

ASHLEY: I know running solves all problems, but we'll never outrun the sparklepires!

DOCTOR: It's not them we're outrunning at the moment; it's the fangirls!

**SCENE 4**

[DOCTOR has ASHLEY by one arm, trying to pull her away]

DOCTOR: No, you poncy fairy! You can't have her! Ashley's _my_ fangirl! She bakes me cookies and darns my socks! And you've got enough of your own!

EDWARD: You are my life now, Ashley.

ASHLEY: But Doctor, he loves me…

DOCTOR: Don't listen to him! He doesn't care about you! He only cares for making money off impressionable children for that silly Mary Sue who dares to call herself an author.

EDWARD: If you were smart, you'd stay away from me.

DOCTOR: Can't ya see that's the point of this, ya stupid elf?

EDWARD: This is the body of a killer, Bella.

ASHLEY: Wow…so…glittery…[faints]

DOCTOR: Oh, that's real impressive, isn't it, Eddy Munster? [sarcasm] Ya put on some body glitter and you got all the little girls screaming for you, sayin' 'Oh, Edward, bite me, please!' That's just sick, you Vegas showgirl!

SCENE 5

[DOCTOR and ASHLEY by the TARDIS]

DOCTOR: How are you feeling?

ASHLEY: So much better! I was almost under his spell! How did you defeat the fangirls and sparklepyres?

DOCTOR: First I threw copies of Bram Stoker's "Dracula" and Anne Rice's "Interview With a Vampire" at them. And then I used my sonic screwdriver to reverse---

ASHLEY: English please!

DOCTOR: Fine. I opened a wormhole from your universe to this one, which released a stream of Plot and Character Development into it, thereby destroying them all.

ASHLEY: That's great, Doctor! I'm so happy that I'm not going to post pictures on the Internet of you making out with the TARDIS!

DOCTOR: [head in hands]

THE END


End file.
